Angry again? Better By Monday

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“Someone who is very angry also has a lot of energy; that energy is what’s so juicy about him or her.” -Pema Chodron

I am hearing from many of my clients lately about how frustrated they are feeling during this election season. The anger is overwhelming, at times, and seems to be causing an increase in negative thinking, including, how being angry is upsetting in itself.

Anger isn’t bad. I believe that anger is an important signal – that it means something has gone wrong, causing a feeling of disrespect to disempowerment.  I haven’t met anyone who likes to feel angry. However, I have talked to many “angry” people, over the years, and sometimes the anger feels better than the despair waiting just underneath the surface.

Pema Chodron offers a perspective on anger which is refreshing and reasonable. She helps us see that we are making a mistake (when we let a feeling take over) which keeps us stuck in, “our own particular style of ignorance, unkindness, and shut-downness…”

The mistakes which keep us stuck involve misunderstanding our anger. One way is to assess it as bad or ugly and to shame ourselves for feeling angry. Another way is using the energy it brings to overpower others. An additional way we stay stuck in anger is to ignore what caused it and try to escape the feeling, denying why it exists.

There is a way to honor the presence of your anger, respect why it has surfaced, and let it be a sign – not something to which you resign. “The idea isn’t to try to get rid of the anger, but to make friends with it, to see it clearly with precision and honesty, and also to see it with gentleness,” Pema gives us a way to process something we avoid.

It’s important that we don’t repress our anger. When it shows up we can respect it by being precise in looking at what caused it to arrive, be honest about our role in how it arrived, and be gentle with yourself as you experience one of your strongest emotions.

One Thing to Do: Learn how to assess anger with gentle-accuracy.

  1. Stop judging yourself as wrong or bad.
  2. Stop glorifying it as “right” or more right than someone else.
  3. Stop rationalizing that other people “deserve it” because they are stupid.
  4. Start seeing your anger as a protector of your story.
  5. Start identifying which part of your story is changing.
  6. Start listing the pros and cons of taking charge of the change.
  7. Start letting go of the anger and moving with the action you can take.
  8. Enjoy the wisdom of keeping anger useful rather than toxic.
Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

 

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Attune: Better By Monday

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“Truly listening and wanting to understand another is one of the highest forms of love.”
-Karen Salmansohn

Listening is more than a behavior – it is a gift. When we open our ears to what someone is saying, we are giving the gift of attention. When we show interest in the worldview of another person by listening for what they value, we give the gift of seeking to understand.

Listening to hear clearly, and seeking to understand better are signs of an interested listener. Gottman states, “Building love and trust involves really listening to our partners… periodically take your partner’s emotional temperature.”

You may not understand why the person you are listening to is thinking the way he/she thinks – you don’t have to. Seeking to understand is powerful enough. Being understanding is about who you are and what you are giving when you listen.

Being tuned-in when you are listening is important. It sends a silent message that the person you are investing in is worth it.

One Thing to Do: Learn (a variation of) steps taken from page two of The Gottman Institute brochure on “How to be a Great Listener.”

Attunement: Be present with your partner.

  • Ask questions. Really listen to the answers.
  • Follow up on the answers you get.
  • Ask open-ended questions. These open the heart.
  • Avoid judgment.
  • Avoid giving advice until you fully understand or it has been asked for.
  • Make exploratory statements to gain understanding, “Tell me the story of that.”
  • Have respect for the person and the process of sharing.
  • Have empathy and seek to understand.
  • Breath. This isn’t personal; it’s possible.

 

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Warmheartedness: Better By Monday

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“The only thing that will bring happiness is affection and warmheartedness. This really brings inner strength and self-confidence, reduces fear, develops trust, and trust brings friendship. We are social animals, and cooperation is necessary for our survival, but cooperation is entirely based on trust, people are brought together-whole nations are brought together.” –Dalai Lama

Trust is wonderful. It is the reason I can get in my car and drive to work on shared roadways. I navigate between other drivers, through rain or snow, in my approximately 2,000-pound vehicle which I forget to think of as a potential weapon.  I know that if I break the rules, the car or body of another trusting driver may get damaged.

I get in my car, and I trust myself and others to get to the desired destination safely by following shared rules. Shared rules in a community make living together more civil. The regulations which community members uphold are supposed to make us better neighbors to each other.

Driving is a less personal experience because each individual rolling by me is enveloped within a metal barrier. The connection potential is blocked by a lack of contact. I can see when the rules are followed or not, but I can’t reward every good driver with my congratulations or gratitude.

When we are face to face, the rules are called etiquette.  A lack of trust between strangers, who are facing each other, is more prevalent because there are different “rules” from family to family about politeness which we aren’t sure of.

The absence of trust can make face to face interactions feel cold. We can treat each other like automatons, thinking to ourselves- just do your job (but feeling that you don’t want to have more vulnerability than necessary with a stranger). There is a way to engender trust without being too trusting, too soon.

Warmheartedness is a step towards building trust with others. It is an invitation to be seen and experienced as a fellow human being – not a driver, worker, or stranger. When we move with warmth, it conveys acceptance which is humanizing. Being seen, heard, and experienced, in small positive ways, is a place for trust to begin.

Note: The Dalai Lama spelled warmheartedness as one word in his quote and I liked it so much I followed his lead.

One Thing to Do: Think of how differently you act when you feel warmth for someone. Use that memory, water it down if needed, and make your warmth more available to others on a daily basis. 

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Stress Less: Better By Monday

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a-stress-balance-mandala“These light and dark halves, Jung thought, revealed not only conscious and subconscious forces – and most usefully to leaders-our positive and negative evaluations of them, forces that, like the deities of the ancients, govern our lives.”  – John O’Neil

Our stress often comes from a negative evaluation of an event more than from the event itself.  Albert Ellis taught that our irrational belief about something causes more stress than the event we attribute that stress too.  We all have things which stress us out – so why don’t we write those things down to better understand them?

In John O’Neil’s book, Leadership Aikido, he encourages balance (chapter four) through the art of creating a Mandala. This is not like the art found in Adult Coloring Books where you simply fill in empty spaces with color preferences. The Mandala in O’Neil’s book is made of opposites-opposing forces which work against each other, in a personal way, within an individual.

He suggests that you identify pairs of opposing forces in your life such as the example of pairs provided below.

Control versus Trust

Diversity versus Unity

Family Needs versus Career Needs

Preference for Thinking versus Preference for Action

Clear Communication versus Creative Ambiguity

If these pairs are related to what stresses you out, include them in your Mandala, or make up your unique pairs of opposing forces. A few other opposite ideas which most of us encounter are Love/Hate, Peace/Chaos, Security/Fear, Mastery/Incompetence, New/Old, and Kind/Mean.

Once you have a list, begin to arrange them in a large, drawn circle across from each other, the level of creativity is up to you. A slightly irregular, hand-drawn circle, will work well enough for this exercise.

The items on the Mandala can be connected through a series of lines drawn from one to the other, across the circle. Additional connections can be made between adjacent words to involve two pairs of opposites into a shared connection.

Looking at the words can create a new perspective about which ideas (values, forces) can influence how you look at the division between the original pair of opposite forces.  For example, if Love versus Hate is adjacent to Peace versus Chaos on your Mandala – how do the items in the second pair influence the ideas in the first pair. This can be done with any two pairs of opposing ideas.

O’Neal said, “Only you are the final judge,” of which forces influence, soften, and change the way you feel.

One Thing To Do: Make a Mandala which identifies your stressors and their opposites. Then explore your drawing by discovering the positive or negative impact some ideas can have on others.  

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

 

 

 

Intimacy: Better By Monday

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“Sex, for instance, is contact par excellence. At its best, two bodies intertwine and two souls join as one. But the sexual encounter can also exemplify non-contact. Two bodies move and touch, but the two souls remain distracted and estranged.”  – Piero Ferrucci

Intimacy (Into me see) can be a shared expression between lovers of self-awareness. To be seen by your partner is to see yourself too. To be safe with yourself, while being seen (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually) by your partner, is to offer a safe place for your partner to be seen.

A client and I discussed this idea in session recently. A metaphor using an albino cave-dwelling fish which has lost its sight surfaced during the counseling session. It was useful as a way to understand how someone could be blind to their behavior when it is obvious to others.

The eyesight of the fish hasn’t been used and therefore the capacity for vision in the fish atrophied. The fish still have eyes – they just don’t see anything. I believe we all have a capacity for self-awareness but that it can be lost (atrophy) without regular use. Self-awareness is a kind of inner sight or insight that only I can have about me – the same goes for you.

In Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages the work of developing an identity (Identity versus Role Confusion) comes before the work of intimacy (Intimacy versus Isolation), as life stages, knowing self comes before sharing that knowledge with someone.

When I am important enough to myself to learn all about me, I can see what is important about human beings. Then I can connect with others at a deeper level because my awareness of me makes me more aware of you.

One Thing to Do: Start a self-map. Ask yourself how you think about things. Write down what you think about something interesting to you like; power, poverty, pain, or playing. Then write about how you came to think that way. This helps in discovering the origins of your way of thinking.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Anger: Better By Monday

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“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”  – Thomas Szasz

Anger is a feeling with a bad reputation. The ideas which have developed around anger can make something simple seem complex. When I reference the simplicity of anger, it’s not to take away the seriousness of feeling angry. Anger is one of the core feelings which humans can have, which help us navigate life.

Anger can be trained out of a person – this happens through developing the ability to suppress it. A child showing irritation may be stopped with words or actions from insensitive adults. The anger still exists in the child, who may become a person who has trained himself not to feel it but how?

What doesn’t get verbally vomited out remains inside, festering.  Toxic build up of unexpressed anger can be manifested in the body. Albert Ellis said, “ Actually, anger and rage show your weakness…. They take a great physical toll – often bringing on undue stress, high blood pressure, intestinal problems, cardiac disabilities, and worsening of other physical problems.”

Suppression of anger can look like forgiveness, but it isn’t accounting for the offense with reality. Without awareness to process the offense – in steps denial.  Expression of anger can be healthy. It can remain connected to the event which triggered the experience. This includes acknowledging the offense, accounting for its impact, dealing with the effects, and then setting a better boundary through apologies and forgiveness.

How can we keep anger simple? First, pay attention to when it shows up. The anger is distinct from feeling sad or afraid. There is a reason you feel angry, and it is usually because you experienced some form of disrespect. If it is perceived disrespect then clarifying with the offender will be a quick remedy.

One Thing to Do: Remember that anger is a signal. It can remain a signal when you attend to it with speed and accuracy. Clarifying can keep anger from being suppressed or over-expressed.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S. LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

 

Charm: Better By Monday

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“All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others.” -Cyril Connolly, 1903 – 1974.

Charm is a word which is given a positive sense, but it has a negative side. To be charming means to be pleasing and to engage in attractive qualities but it doesn’t include being sincere. A person who has charm but is also sincere is endowed with a different characteristic, the ability to be earnest.

The word, earnest, is less popular, but it is a more desirable quality because it combines being zealous with depth or maturity. It is better than charm, which is an effort for controlling appearances, being earnest is an experience of mutual interest both expressed and felt.

It may be that some people go to social events to be charmed? However, It could be about the more meaningful experience if the people in attendance, at any event, were more earnest and less charming. However, the entertainment value of watching someone practicing charm is different than being with an earnest companion. Charm requires an audience member, and earnestness desires two participants who are designing their joined participation.

We can cultivate more meaningful interactions by engaging with others earnestly. This preference for sincerity doesn’t mean devoid of pleasantness, it doesn’t include pretense either, but what it does include is sometimes misunderstood, undervalued and unknown.

One Thing to Do (in four steps).

How to resist charm in preference of earnestness:

  1. Know that you are worth knowing rather than being an unknown audience member.
  2. Pay attention to how your story is ignored and by whom.
  3. Ask questions which help you discover what others value.
  4. Share what you value just because you value it.

 

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S, LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Me: Better By Monday

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“Our human perceptual habits are remarkably stupid in some ways. We tune out 99 percent of all the sensory stimuli we actually receive, and we solidify the remainder into discrete mental objects. Then we react to those mental objects in programmed, habitual ways.”  -Bhante H. Gunaratana (Mindfulness in Plain English)

One of the objects which can develop in the mind is the concept of self. We use language to differentiate you from me. Language allows us to identify, quantify and qualify all incoming data including information about who we are. Impression management starts when labels are affixed to us like name tags. Smart Dave, Happy Cindy, Lazy Eric, and Debbie Ding-Dong are some combinations of given names with added labels.

Once we are taught the distinction of “me from you” the ability to frame events within the two concepts becomes natural. When good fortune falls at our door – we can exclaim, “I have good fortune!” If this happens enough, others may begin to believe the phenomenon has more to do with the person it happens to and not just the happening itself. The community could bestow upon a person who has consistent good fortune a title of significance, such as Lucky Larry.

The new title may have importance attached to it which fixes the idea of being fortunate upon the person – this could influence the person to start believing, “I’m special.”  There is nothing wrong with wanting to believe we are special but to assign it to something that is out of our control proves to be an unfortunate action.

The trip down the road of wanted (I’m special) and unwanted (I’m not enough) labels is treacherous. Some positive labels tarnish and erode the worth of the people wearing them more than a negative label. The pressure to be smart, pretty, lucky, or happy takes the enjoyment out of the experience.

It seems to come down to how we prefer to self-identify. If I can create a preferred way of being seen or have it given to me by others – I will also find the energy to keep that illusion going.  I become less “me” and more label-able. My ability to keep my perceived positive label is driven by my need for the label to be the truth but while I am trying to prove a label – I am losing touch with my real self.

One Thing To Do: Stay open to the incoming data from the world. Don’t allow the negatives or the positives to become what you must have or must hide about yourself. You can handle the labels thrown at you, without accepting them, by just observing them and deciding if you think they fit or not. Keep a piece of each one to try on and test how much of it remains within you.

 

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S, LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Rejected: Better By Monday

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“A person with a well-differentiated ‘self’ recognizes her realistic dependence on others, but she can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality.” –The Bowen Center

When we pin our self-worth on acceptance or love from someone else – we only feel good while that person loves us. But no partner is always a loving partner, so, we set ourselves up for small rejections.

Adding more people to our circle seems like the solution to the limitations of one partner but spreading the need for incoming love around to friends and family doesn’t guarantee a perfect amount of love. The more sources of love you use to fill-up with the more you are open to feeling rejected when the people you need love from are having an off day.

I do believe that the more people who love you – the better. However, that is only if the love from others supports your self-love. There is a difference between outside love which props up a broken sense of self and receivable outside love which honors true self-worth.

If you need the love of others because you don’t love yourself – you will run out of it from time to time. If you practice self-love, and all the love you get supports this personal practice, you will feel full of love.

We need both. The equation starts at birth with being loved by others. A time when we do not know how to love them back yet. It seems that being given love just because we are alive is the best way to develop self-worth. Once you believe you are worth loving – you get to keep that feeling. You can feel worthy from good parenting, or you can parent yourself into feeling worthy.

One Thing to Do: Remember your worth by using positive self-talk. Don’t cheat yourself with a pep talk or false dialogue of what you wish you were. This Self-esteem Self-Talk is about what you deserved to hear as a baby. “I’m okay.” “I matter.” “I am enough.” “I have made mistakes, and I am learning.” “I make a difference.”

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S, LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Freedom: Better By Monday

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Is forgiveness enough to set us free from the pain others cause?

A student wanted to understand forgiveness, so he asked a wise teacher. The teacher instructed the student to think of all the people who had been unkind to him in some way. Then the teacher had the student carve the name of each person who had been hurtful onto potatoes. One by one the potatoes with the names on them were loaded into his sack.

The teacher instructed the student to carry them around for a week. As the week wore on – the sack grew more burdensome to carry. The odor from the rotting potatoes was becoming unpleasant. The student returned to the teacher at the end of the week and reported that he knew the moral of the lesson.

The child explained that he knew he must forgive each person who caused an offense instead of carrying the memory of the hurt with him because the weight and stench of the offenses make his life harder. He further reported that he had worked to forgive each person who had hurt him.

The teacher instructed the boy to unload all of the potatoes of the forgiven people from his sack. He then asked if anyone had been hurtful this past week?  With dismay, the student knew he had new names to carve into new potatoes. He was frustrated and worried that his sack would never be empty of the burden of being offended by others.

“I can’t control what others do to me!” The child exclaimed. “It isn’t fair that I must carry a burden because others cause me harm.” The student was overwhelmed by the perpetuity of the process of forgiveness.

The Teacher then inquired, ” Why were the potatoes put in the sack in the first place?”

The student didn’t grasp the question, but he guessed out loud, “To learn to forgive.”

The teacher helped the child see he knew how to forgive all along but what he didn’t know how to do was not to carry a sack which collects and holds old pain.

The child had a new question, “If the potatoes are offenses, what is the sack?”

The question made the wise sage smile.

“Is it my capacity to personalize offenses?” The student answered his question with another question.

The answer was profound, “Remove the sack you carry and no offenses can fill it.”

(This is a short and simplified version of a story found in Chapter 12 of the book, The Tao of Daily Life by Derek Lin.)

One Thing to Do: Do you have a sack which collects personal injuries? Instead of carrying it around with you, set it down for one day. Don’t carry a hurt that is offered to you – say to yourself, “That is not about me.” 

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S, LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.