Your boundaries can be better by Monday

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Better By MondayDo you patrol your fences or wear your armor?
Personal boundaries are often invisible but protect our emotional and spiritual space like a sturdy fence around a yard. Some boundaries can create needed distance, like a fence, but a different kind is more like a suit of armor, worn tightly to protect our greatest vulnerabilities. The personal boundary of the armor variety has to be stronger to allow us to get close to others, but the very strength of it can sometimes shield us from others as well as protect us from them. Safety can come at a cost when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
Which type of boundary is better? The fence boundary is great for meeting new people in a new place. Random social interactions or being on a team at work are situations where good fences make for positive and productive relationships. The distance these provide can make learning and observing easier while letting people choose how and when to show up to others. You may prefer a wide plot of land between you and a stranger while at a party but with a clear and reliable fence up you can choose to open the gate to someone who shares some of your interests. (And they can do the same for you, assuming they too have a reliable fence of their own.) You also control who stays outside the gate and why.
Generally, this fence is built with a combination of queues you offer (or withhold from) others. How readily you join in a conversation, smiles or affirming and animated gestures when someone else is talking, requests for more information can all be signals you send or receive that create a sense of space that is preferred and maintained – a safe space. However, this type of boundary can be exhausting to patrol – especially if the fence covers a wide diameter around your personal space, with lots of conditions and unending requirements. In this case, for example, a person goes to a party and sits alone, not wanting ANY engagement from or with others.  This fence is so wide and distant no one can get in.
The positive thing about armor is that it is worn close and can let others have more access to you, get closer, but while you are still protected and feeling safe and secure. You may not be ready for complete transparency but you can reveal and receive more when you have your in-close boundary on, your armor, and this can help you remain engaged with the world, not fenced in by it. Personal boundary of the armor variety also gives you a sense of safety when trust hasn’t been established between you and someone new. It also is made of words, gestures, and actions…all of which protect you from sharing more of your story with someone before you feel secure. And it helps them to learn about and know you at your pace, not theirs, respectfully but firmly.
One Thing To Do: Make a short list of words (phrases) that can create your version of a healthy boundary for you and that would be helpful for others as well:
 “I’m not sure I feel like talking about that right now.”
“Thanks for the interest but maybe some other time.”
“No thanks – not right now.”
“I’d love to talk about that but not really right now.”
“That would be good to discuss but when I feel abler to, later on perhaps.”
Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

The You Factor in Psychotherapy

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A blog post on making the most of your psychotherapy.

OPS's avatarOchester Psychological Services

iStock_000014865626_SmallDid you know that you are the most important factor in your therapy?  It may seem surprising given the amount of time we spend searching for the right provider and the right therapy approach.  However, research shows that around 55% of therapy outcome is related to extra-therapeutic factors such as client readiness for change, willingness, commitment, hope and expectations of effectiveness, and resources such as social support.

The client-therapist relationship is the second largest factor associated with treatment outcome (about 30%) and this includes things like the therapeutic alliance and therapist characteristics such as verbal skills, empathy, and warmth. Interestingly, the therapy approach only accounts for about 15% of the variance in outcomes.

This can be viewed as good news on a couple of levels. It means that a wide variety of therapy approaches can be beneficial to most people and we don’t have to be overly concerned if a particular approach…

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Your Self-Worth Can Be Better by Monday

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Better By MondayWhen does self-worth begin?

Some may argue that because babies can hear their parents while in the womb that self-worth may begin before birth. I think that worth begins the first year of life as a relational message from caregivers to care receivers. Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph. D. wrote in her book, Insecure in Love, that “…children develop a way of bonding that seeps into their very being. This way of bonding becomes a working model that sets their expectations for how others will respond to them, as well as for how they feel about themselves.”

Babies are made to be care receivers in the first year of life.  They are often doted on by one or more family members through well intentioned bouncing, hugging, feeding, burping, changing and more.

Please consider that the first year of life is often the worst behavior year for most of us.  When you were a baby  (when you weren’t being sweet) you cried, vomited, peed, pooped, refused to sleep, woke everyone up, and slobbered on everything. If you were attended to and comforted regardless of how demanding your cries were – you were being told over and over – you are worth it. That was solid validation.

Despite the “bad behavior” issues (which no one will let you get away with as you mature) you were given as much comfort as your caregiver(s) knew how to give.  This first year set a precedent for trust (Psycho-Social Stages by Erik Erikson) and for self- worth. You didn’t have to pay for care and there were no requirements for to you follow to achieve care receiving status. No conditions for love were in place.

The conditions you may experience now couldn’t be placed on you then. You got to be true to yourself, in a primal sense, and you were still worth getting to know.

One Thing To Do: Remember your worth this weekend. You can’t remember your first year of life but you can remember what is feels like to be cared for – take that thought and fill up on it for two days.  Repeat to yourself, “I am worth taking care of.”

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S, LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC.

Better By Monday: Man of Steel

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Better By Monday“Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound … It’s Superman!”

The Man of Steel has been able to do super human activities and save people from danger but if he isn’t flying around in your part of the world you may be out of luck. He can bust through a wall but he is not a stress buster. The number one modern day crisis has become stress and we could really use his help before it becomes a major tragedy.

The superhero has been a no-show in the fight against stress but he may be helpful in a roundabout way. Let’s give him credit for the name of this solution because I like to call it, The Man of Still.

Cultivating stillness through meditation, yoga, reading, breathing or art is becoming a popular anti-stress practice. Many people are turning to stillness (something we already have inside) to reduce mental, emotional and physical illness.

A simple way to become the next Man (or Woman) of Still:
To Do: Let your thoughts happen without changing your emotion.
a. When you think – don’t sink (this is having purpose).
b. When you think – blink away the difficult (this is honesty).
c. When you think – wink at the funny or odd (this is humor).

Become slower than a snail in a traffic jam. More purposeful than a lioness on the prowl. Able to lean into your thinking without your emotion bounding in too…. It’s super (healing). Being still will help you heal a broken heart, a fragile mind and physical pain may retreat.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna J. Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little better by Monday.

Better By Monday: Holiday Stress Buster

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Better By MondayDuring the holiday season, triggers which negatively affect your emotional elevation abound. Higher expectations, deadlines and a harried pace contribute to the potential for us to be gone in sixty seconds or less to an unhappy place. Gone from fun family sing alongs with each other in the car, while looking at lights, to Rudolph the Red Faced Rage – Deer.

Jumping into a frustrated, disagreeable, anxious and/or deflated state may steal away the rest of an otherwise good day. To keep your good mood through the holiday season, keep these three statements handy.

How to be selective about what (or who) triggers your emotions:

  1. Ask yourself, “Do I have all the facts about what is happening?”
  2. Tell yourself, “If I wait, this may resolve itself.”
  3. Self-soothe, “I can handle this right now – the right way.”

The answer to number one is always, “No!” We never have ALL the facts. So, don’t give your power away to a moment that looks like a mess, sounds like a mess and will only become more messy if you jump in too. If there is truth you need to tell someone try to wait until a shared moment with that person can be had one-to-one.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can try, over the weekend, to feel a little better by Monday.

Better By Monday: Relational Avidity

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Better By MondayHow a couple, family or community communicates and works to overcome their shared challenges requires a collective commitment to mutual respect. Usually, through love and respect, a solid starting point exists for families to engage in the hard conversations. A respectful point, at which to start, is especially important when dealing with the most difficult issues. The bond of family gives members the strength to talk through tough issues together. Individual members of communities can create powerful bonds too – with the right glue.

Nature sometimes provides a handy reference point to help us understand truth about ourselves. The world of microbiology and the tiny proteins existing there can teach us a helpful principle about collaborative bonds.
Proteins are structures that are groups of other microbiological components (we won’t get into that here) held together by “bonds” – think of how the muscles and tendons combine to hold our skeleton in place. What is interesting about bonds in proteins is a particular property they exhibit that correlates quite well to how individuals and groups “take a stand” in collaborative problem solving.

In describing some properties of proteins, scientists use a term called avidity. It describes the combined strength of multiple protein bond interactions. Avidity is distinct from affinity, which is a term used to describe the strength of a single bond. By comparison, avidity is a truly special property that describes the fact that there is actually combined synergistic strength of bond affinities which are stronger than simply the sum of individual bonds.

Yes, you heard that right and it’s amazing. Avidity describes something that basically mimics what is required among people who visit my practice and are called upon to solve problems: working together makes for effective system wide change. In the seemingly off-topic world of proteins there is evidence that we are stronger together than apart.

In countless family and/or community situations we may start thinking that our way of seeing a problem is the only way and we might not listen to how someone else feels or what their perspective is. Proteins and how they are structured serve as a great reminder that there is MORE STRENGTH in our collective bonds than in the separate strength of each individual. When we reach out to hear and understand others we are not surrendering individual needs, we are creating a bond that transcends all of us and raises us all up to a better and healthier place.

It may be that collaborative problem solving is the starting point for community avidity because it promotes the desire for shared understanding, progress towards a common goal and mutual respect.

To Do: Listen to someone this week (in person or through media) and show respect for the differences between your points of view. Take note of how you were able to show respect for another person without losing your self-respect.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, ED.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can try, over the weekend, to feel a little better by Monday.

When it Comes to Learning, Intensity Matters

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No two students are alike – no surprise there, I’m sure! The students we see in our clinic at Applied Learning Processes do have one thing in common, though. They all have a deficit in one or more sensory-cognitive processing functions that support the ability to learn. These processing functions include:

Orthographic Processing refers to the ability to establish and retain visual memory for letters and common spelling conventions.

Phonological Processing is a function of the auditory system that includes sensory perception of the individual sounds that compose spoken syllables. This processing function supports the cognitive functions involved in accurate decoding and spelling.

Visual/Verbal Integration is a processing function in which mental images based on prior sensory perception correspond to units of language and support the cognitive functions involved in both oral and written language comprehension and expression, including number sense and mathematical concepts.

Visual-motor Processing involves the ability to notice visual/spatial detail and retain that information for reconstructing graphic representations. Visual-motor processing supports the cognitive functions involved in understanding spatial concepts in language and in mathematics.

When a student presents with dyslexia, our first job is to figure out which deficits are contributing to the problem. A student might have good orthographic processing but suffer a weakness in phonological processing. This type of student can usually memorize words pretty easily so it doesn’t really look like she has a serious reading or spelling problem until about 3rd or maybe 4th grade. Another might have weakness in both areas, so in spite of an exceptionally high IQ, reading just doesn’t ever seem to “click” for him. The next student might have a moderate phonological deficit compounded by weakness in visual-motor processing so it looks like he can read fairly well for a 3rd grader but spelling and writing are described as “horrible”. So, even if the student has already been tested by another professional and given the diagnosis of dyslexia or specific learning disorder with impairment in reading, we still need to dig a little deeper to figure out which processing functions are involved and how severe the deficits appear to be. Once we get this figured out we are ready to design a treatment plan and begin our work.

The latest research on reading intervention indicates that the students who make the most progress are the ones in a one-to-one setting or in groups of 2 or 3. At Applied Learning Processes we work one-to-one with every student. The 1:1 ratio allows us to pace the student based solely upon her particular needs. It also makes it possible for us to adjust the actual treatment to fit her symptoms and level of severity. For example, if a first grader with dyslexia has a significant deficit in visual-motor processing, it’s likely she is struggling to stabilize her ability to recognize and reproduce letters and numbers correctly. We might need to spend quite a bit of time initially working her brain’s ability to notice the parts of a graphic and how those parts are related to each other. Some letters share the same parts. Lower case b, p, d, and q, for example, all have a vertical straight line with a curve attached. If the brain is not attending efficiently to the parts and how they are related, it is hard to decide which of those letters is which. That makes reading and spelling especially tricky if you’re in the first grade. As the brain gets more efficient at noticing the relevant spatial detail involved in identifying and reproducing letters, the treatment to remediate a phonological deficit begins to move faster and more efficiently, also.

Daily stimulation of the sensory processing system is another critical piece of the puzzle when it comes to remediating a reading disability. This has been our experience through the years and is also validated by recent research. We sometimes use analogies to explain this to parents. For example, if you want to do some weight training, you’ll need to do it everyday in order to build up your muscle mass. If you only do it 2 or 3 times a week you’re not likely to move very fast or get very far. You have to stimulate the growth of the muscles every day in order to reach your goal. This holds true when stimulating the brain’s processing functions, too. If you only receive the treatment 2 or 3 times a week you will be at it for years and may “burn out” before you reach your goal. If you do it intensively every day, it may only take weeks or a few months to get there. A student with a reading impairment needs an accelerated instructional approach – an intensive daily intervention – in order to change the trajectory of his learning curve. Otherwise, his peers will continue to rapidly increase their skills and the gap will continue to widen.

Families are busy. Children have school all day, then extra-curricular activities, social events, and homework in the evenings. Fitting anything else into the schedule requires significant adjustments and commitments on the part of the whole family – especially if we’re recommending a remediation approach that involves two hours of treatment per day and five days a week. However, our goal with the treatment process is to get the student’s brain processing functions developed and stabilized so that she has the “toolkit” in place to benefit like her peers do from traditional instruction. Students who receive this kind of intervention experience renewed self-confidence in their ability to learn, improved self-esteem, and success from their efforts to build good reading and spelling skills. Their grades improve, they spend less time on homework, and they become independent learners. Their parents report that their children are happy again, their anxiety levels are much lower, and they no longer fight going to school. These are some pretty cool benefits that aren’t reflected in test scores and research reports!

Melinda Buie, M.A.Ed.
Clinical Director
Applied Learning Processes

Better By Monday: Do you Lift or Lean?

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Better By MondayMonday isn’t always given the respect it deserves. Disagreeable mumbling by more than one not-ready-for-work sleeper is heard. The sunlight sneaking between the blinds into the bedroom window doesn’t bring the delight of a new day it brings the burden of another day to endure.

The sun doesn’t seem to warm the morning air with hope but lights it up with anticipatory anxiety. Problems are waiting for us. Stress of different shapes and sizes line the halls of the schools our children attend, the streets we drive down, the rows of offices in our buildings and we don’t have solutions.

Even if old problems are left in the past, new problems seem to always be just ahead. We don’t always benefit from thinking about getting ahead because sometimes we can only get through. A sea of daily stress with endless days of rowing can feel unrewarding and unmanageable. But are all the moments in a day made up of problems, pain, stress and frustration?

What if we could give each other a moment away from feeling our problems? I know you’ve heard of Random Acts of Kindness (which work well) but have you considered making those into small acts of compassion/ kindness you can do throughout the day? By looking for the opportunity to show compassion in small ways during the day you give yourself a break from feeling your own stress and co-create a stress relieving moment with others.

SACK someone’s stress by showing grace, interest, empathy and/or patience in a moment of need and you get a day filled with more meaningful moments. Look for the moments where you can show a little compassion. Monday through Friday will feel lighter because you are lifting instead of leaning away.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault Ed.S., LPC.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little better by Monday.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Better By Monday: Courage Holds the Hand of Fear

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In ancient times courage was one of four primary virtues, the others being wisdom, temperance and justice. Courage was seen as the most critical as it was thought the other virtues relied on the presence of courage before they could show up. In personal transformation work, such as counseling, courage is vital to progress. It’s not something found just in a moment of high anxiety or fear but is always there, awaiting access by any of us at any time.

“To summon our courage” is a wonderful phrase that gives away its true nature. It’s not always present, with us, but can be brought forward any time or in any situation. We DO, however, need to call for it and we DO need to pay attention to its voice.

Summoning courage has many recipes. For some it springs from commitment to something that has deep meaning. It energizes them to the point of actively (and easily, for them) demonstrating to others what they care about or what gives them purpose in their life. Without a depth of meaning you can engage some actions but they are more likely rooted in compliance, not commitment. And while there are thousands of charities or political causes with reliable supporters, not all of those people have a deep connection to their own true meaning and purpose which compels them to take time off from work to march in a demonstration or show resistance.

The other important aspect of courage worth thinking about is that it’s not at all a “me against you” concept. While dramatic literature and religion can often rely on narrative devices which emphasize courageous acts and conflict (man kills bad guy, saves girl etc. etc.) the more profound and powerful kind of courage is when we confront ourselves – who we are and what we might become – and question the whys and wherefores of life.

We can then undertake the fear-laden work of questioning the makeup of our character and embedded nature. It’s only when we summon the courage to take on our own certainties, beliefs, and long-held convictions that real change and new learning and personal growth can occur. When we stop thinking of win and lose for us in relation to others and dedicate ourselves to learning about what’s within that we can truly begin to change our wellbeing, sense of safety and self-worth, and how we engage with everyone every day – all for the better. And it’s well worth it, this tough internal work, because after this courageous journey comes contentment and compassion. And, not coincidentally, these are precursors to building the capacity for genuine love for yourself and then others.

Courage is not about being devoid of fear. Rather, it’s being aware of fear and still moving forward anyway. Contrary to popular misconceptions, it’s perfectly fine to reflect on your life and even make big decisions WHEN you are afraid, just not BECAUSE you are afraid. There’s a difference. The latter is blind reaction; the other is being fully present, focused, and committed. Best news of all is we all have the capacity to activate our own courage and let it lead us through life’s challenges – inside and outside.

Dawna Daigneault

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little better by Monday.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Better By Monday: Contemplation is a place of observation

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Better By MondayHopefully, where you are and where you want to be are the same place but if you’re like most of us, life has bumped and jolted you along to places you never completely planned or even desired, in good and in not so good ways. But even so, today is where you are right now. And any time you devote to contemplating your own path, diverging or just unclear, may help develop your capacity for thoughtful reflection. And this may help you move into your future undaunted by any uncertainties you face.

In therapy clients get to look down the pathway of the past, which can be beneficial as it can support purposeful decision making for the future. But just looking is the key; it’s a challenge to not go too deep or delve to long else we re-live all of our past traumas and pains far in excess of their value to us, crowding out the enjoyment of the present that is always with us.

So while looking back is helpful, in moderation and with great care, lifting our heads high and gazing on any possible future pathway is helpful too. Engaging in the uncertainties and various scenarios with purpose and forethought, makes a huge difference in how you can see yourself as a life traveler. A decisive, thoughtful, and meaningful mental trip into your future possibilities usually feels empowering regardless of any possible doubts you may hold inside.

Robert Frost’s poem, The Road Not Taken, is in many ways a current reflection of the past, but at the same time he extends an arch into the future:

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

Robert Frost’s poem evokes many things in me, not the least of which is the wonderful reverence I have for basic acts of contemplation and reflection which are both central to my own and my client’s capacity for healing awareness.

The therapeutic process allows them to sit and consider the past but we also understand it’s never a good idea to get swallowed up by it completely; a reflective visit is always best. There is also room made for the present moment, a place where many paths, past, present, and future, are open to immediate interpretation, pondering, and careful consideration.

Many things can cause us to go into those deep woods of thought. But the practical realities of the day call us back to ourselves, to the present, over and over again. We may have miles to go before we sleep but none of us knows how many or where the journey will end – so journey on.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little bit better by Monday.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.