Stop Controlling to Lower Anxiety

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“Remind yourself that you don’t have to be in charge – that, in fact, it’s impossible for you to be in charge.” ` Wayne Dyer

We charge a lot of things. We charge batteries and credit cards – we charge ahead and take charge of meetings – we charge devices and hope to be in charge of our own lives. But, we are less in charge than many of us prefer to realize.

Being in charge sounds like the best way to live life but what if the opposite is just as good? Some people think that letting go is the opposite of taking charge? Letting go is the opposite of holding on – reception is the opposite of being in charge.

Instead of controlling people or events you receive them, as they are. Reception is the precursor to gratitude because you won’t be grateful for something you never receive. Being in a state of reception can be something that feels totally open and without any expectations or it can have just enough structure to allow for some personal comfort.

Life is lived somewhere between the opposite poles of enjoying freedom and needing structure. That space is where we can either lean into structure to the point of controlling, with an outcome of more anxiety or leaning the other direction into freedom from requirements.

One Thing To Do: Find your sweet spot between the structure that gives you a sense of security and the freedom that allows opportunity by practicing reception this weekend.

Dawna Daigneault

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Bad Dreams Can Be Better By Monday

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“Dreaming has a meaning, like everything else we do.” ~Sigmund Freud

The dream made her afraid of falling asleep. “What does it mean?” She asked herself and others this question but without the reward of an answer which made a positive difference. She shared the dreams in therapy and learned that she had a villain showing up at night in different dreams.

Dreams can be a way for our subconscious mind to work on problems our conscious mind hasn’t yet resolved. The villain in her dream may represent a living person in her current life who is a threat to her personally, emotionally or socially. However, the content of dreams can defy understanding. In his book, Dreams, Jung said, “…with ‘unconscious’ manifestations there is no directed or adapted language in our sense of the word-there is merely a psychic phenomenon that would appear to have only the loosest connections with conscious content.”

Having a villain show up in your dreams can mean that someone or something is overpowering you. It can also mean that you are not taking good care of yourself and not setting good boundaries with others. An additional interpretation includes bullies from your past and/or perceived oppression in your near future.

No matter why the villain appears in a dream, when one is present, the first step to end that negative dream sequence is to start being more assertive in real life.

The dreamer mentioned at the beginning of this article made a few simple adjustments to her daily routine. By moving on with her life, she set the precedent that she is first. There is no villain to push out of her way when she doesn’t passively give her power away to anyone or anything (like pleasing) during the day.

One Thing to Do: Write down how you want to use your power more effectively, daily. Making someone disappear from a bad dream starts with you showing up for yourself in your own life as the most powerful person in it.

Dawna Daigneault

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Mental Energy Can Be Better by Monday

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“We’re drowning in information and starving for knowledge.” -Rutherford D. Rogers

Taking a break from technology can be a good experience but when you dive back into the technological sea of information you may feel like you’re drowning on the first day you return.

The amount of information you are being flooded with may seem normal but it may also be too much to deal with on a daily basis. You will feel flooded by extraneous data. Then when something really personal and important goes wrong you may have no energy left to deal with it. The information overload  makes your brain ache – you feel like shutting down. You may have to miss work – not because you have a virus but because you are overworking your own mental and emotional circuitry leaving no room to solve real problems.

We are drinking from a technology fire hose all day long. Even if you are not chewing and swallowing every bite being fed to you – you are still having to make decisions about what you taste. If someone followed you around throughout the day saying, “Taste this, now taste this, now this…” You would feel overwhelmed and frustrated that someone was pushing you to try things and use your limited thinking energy to make hundreds of small decisions about tasting things that have little value to you at the time they are presented.

One Thing To Do this Weekend: Erase 5 things from your phone or computer that pester you with a constant stream of less than important information.

Dawna Daigneault

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Smile Better By Monday

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It’s emotionally delicious to feel the warm sun brush your skin as you take a few steps out into the Spring warmth, knowing that more light, heat and color are coming to stay. Did you know there are 219 parks operated and maintained by Kansas City Parks and Recreation? They also boast 47 fountains, 27 lakes, 38 miles of trails and bikeways and 132 miles of boulevards and parkways. That’s a lot of free “fresh air” therapy.

This weekend people will be taking advantage of the improved temperature to open up to the outdoors again. Smiling about the good weather signals your brain to fill back up with positive brain chemistry. Get outside and you will see some of the many faces around you wearing grins again. It is a phenomenon of nature, seasonal change, but also of human nature to experience change/loss during the some seasons and a sense of gain in others.

Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferers finally get a break from the discouraging grays of winter. If there were an acronym for spring maybe it can be: Season of Noticeable Gain (S.O.N.G.). Maybe one of my cheesier acronyms but I am writing what I see in people.

Joining organized activities or getting into the warm-up season in your own way can benefit your body and mind. The price of Spring enjoyment varies from free to expensive but the pay-off you will get in mood enhancement is worth it.
One Thing To Do: Step outside and feel the sunshine make you smile.

Dawna Daigneault

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Your Reach can be Better By Monday

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“Reality knows nothing of your plans, and it comes up with ever new ways to pester you. According to recent research, you are bound to meet twenty-three frustrations today (up from thirteen a decade ago).” – Piero Ferrucci in The Power of Kindness.

How you meet with the frustrations which show up today will make a difference in how frustrated they will leave you. Flexibility is something everyone thinks they understand but psychological flexibility isn’t as well known.

The idea of being physically flexible can be seen in a gymnast who is able to twist and turn effortlessly in floor routines, on balance beams and even between uneven bars. It takes years of practice to become a skilled gymnast. The amazing flexibility of the prepared gymnast can seem super-human to those of us who sit behind a desk and therefore, seem out of our reach. Psychological flexibility also takes practice but becoming adept at it doesn’t require a gym.

We may be inflexible because our parents didn’t know how to teach the skills of flexibility. Rigid rules and punishments may have trained a lack of flexibility in our thinking and/or feelings. We may have been given a routine to follow which has allowed some limited success but it didn’t include an internal compass for self-awareness.

The ability to think about more than one option and really consider how to navigate the different potential outcomes of various probable options is being psychologically flexible. That is a mouthful to say but it is a simple process to move yourself from one self-centered thought to considering how we are all connected; self, partner, family, friends, community, country, to continent.

One Thing to Do: Mental stretching is the purposeful reaching with your thoughts past where they usually end. It is like expanding the idea that something only affects you into the possibility of how that same something could change life for others. Reaching from outcomes about “just me” to an impact on “we” is one mental stretch worth practicing.

Dawna Daigneault

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Your Mishaps Can Be Better By Monday

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“Mishaps are like knives, that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or the handle.”   –James Russell Lowell, 1819 -1891.

I have often wondered where the phrase, “you can handle it” originated as a reference to managing personal problems. I have no idea if the quote above somehow contributed to the birth of that common phrase but I find it useful as one possible source.

My clients often use personal mistakes to beat themselves up; it’s sometimes destructive and always unnecessary. When we fail to achieve a desired outcome in our lives, whether it is from under preparation, overzealousness, or simple human error, the outcome can become a teacher or a torturer.

The lessons we learn in life may indeed have sharpness to them, but if handled well they can act as a means of cutting away a false reality which brought about the failure in the first place.

Mr. Lowell’s astute quote and observation helps us understand that to turn the knife on your self is itself a grave error. However, to use it to carve away irrational beliefs, as a skilled emotional artist, a transformation from disappointment into success is created. This is what learning from mistakes can be like, where loss is always temporary and being your own best life sculptor is an ongoing opportunity.

One Thing to Do: Learn the equation for The ABC’s of Self-Disturbing by Albert Ellis. Which is: A + B = C. (A is the Activating Event + B is the Belief which can be an Irrational Belief about A. A + B together = C which is the Consequence.) We can cut out the Irrational Beliefs to get a different Consequence.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Your Power Can Be Better By Monday

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Knowing what you need to re-balance your personal power in your current relationship can be difficult. It may seem that your only options include unpleasant behaviors such as; being more aggressive, raising your defenses or even finding a different partner.

If your partner is not abusive and you feel safe in your relationship but seem to always defer to his/her suggestions – then becoming more secure in your own worth will help you show your needs and preferences more often.

You may be able to create more relationship closeness when you and your partner respect the need for both partners to have a balance of power within the relational system. The two of you are co-creating that system with every overt decision and covert withholding you each make. Mutual respect is the key to making both partners more equally present.

The ability to balance an external system (relationship) may be easier when you balance your internal system of self-worth. Do you know how to show respect to your partner and not lose respect for yourself? Can you show up for your own best interest when a disagreement threatens your self-esteem?

Showing respect for yourself, your needs, ideas and voice will help your partner see you and know you better. Mind reading isn’t a magical power your partner obtains as soon as you enter the picture. You can make yourself known by showing up more fully in conversations, decision making, and during down time. Respect your need to be known first – then let your partner learn what you know about yourself.

One Thing to Do: Talk yourself through the last important conversation you had with your partner and write down how often you showed respect and how often you felt respected. This is mapping a pattern you engaged in – which you may repeat.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Your Drive Can Be Better By Monday

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Better By MondayA goal is like a vehicle. Maybe you haven’t been driving a beat up, falling apart, gasping and sputtering heap but you want something better than you have.  So, you set a goal or make a resolution to upgrade to a better version – hoping it will enhance your drive.

A dynamic, luxurious and super smooth speedster may take a bigger commitment than you’re ready to make so you have opted for a model year newer than what you have currently. You are smart because you don’t want to get into a super goal with too much torque to handle.

That kind of goal puts self-importance at your fingertips like you’ve never known. A stream lined, proactive goal can take you places you’ve only seen in vacation guides. Beautiful places where you’re in control and you feel confident! Just make sure you feel true to yourself too.

The Lamborghini of goals is tempting but you are more realistic. It doesn’t matter if your goal is one of the best in the world if it simply makes your world better.  A Chevy (goal) may be just what you’re looking for in style, comfort and manageability. A good goal is personal, realistic and attainable and makes you proud when you see yourself in the driver’s seat. You know you will step behind the wheel more, if you like the ride.

One Thing To Do: Drive your goal around this weekend at different speeds. See if a slower speed works better or if cutting the drive time down will help you get in and drive it more often.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, Professional Counseling.

Your Likability Can Be Better By Monday

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Better By MondayAll or nothing thinking seems to be the only acceptable way to conceive of honesty. You’re either honest or you’re not. That is rigid thinking and unfortunately 100% complete honesty is rare. The most deceitful person you’ve known tells the truth sometimes and the most honest friend you have has hedged the truth on occasions.

Maybe we can create a more honest scale for reporting our “honesty average” and start saying things like, “On average, I’m 85% honest and I desire more accurate moments than not.” Isn’t hiding our dishonesty, dishonest? I want us to allow the reality that a person won’t be 100% honest, all the time.

Several years ago I tried to deflect a very important question that my five year son asked me, “Mommy, Is Buzz Lightyear real?” I detoured him towards answering the question himself. When he asked again I redirected him to his preferred perception of his childhood hero. Then after a full day of not lying but not telling him the truth, I gave in to honesty, I told him that Buzz Lightyear was a pretend person, a cartoon. I quickly found out that he wasn’t ready to hear that truth. He was devastated – despair written on his sweet but sad face. I believe now that childhood hope can be born in fantasy.

Dishonesty, although not deemed a desirable choice, happens sometimes for good reasons. But when it is used to trick or trap another person it becomes an unfair (and invisible) weapon. Unfortunately, when lying works it can become a way of life – a way that the people closest to you won’t appreciate.

The irony about lies is that they can be told (or untold) to keep a feeling of acceptability, but if you are only accepted because of a lie, you never feel truly acceptable. Lying which allows you to look different to others doesn’t help you to like looking at yourself. Give yourself more 100% true blue moments. Being honest about who you are, what you like and what you know or don’t know tells people who you are. You can be the hero in your own story even if you are also sometimes the villain – raise your hero percentage for a happier outcome.

One Thing To Do: Stand in front of the mirror this weekend and tell yourself a part of your true story that you keep hidden. If it is difficult to get the words out with yourself make an appointment with someone who can help you feel safe as you share.

Dawna Daigneault

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Your Insight Can be Better by Monday

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Better By Monday“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” Henry D. Thoreau may have written this statement to broaden our personal perspective but I am going to make a guess that the miracle he mentioned is to really know difference. Seeing is believing.

What difference would be made if we could see through each other’s eyes?  I hope that instant would be filled with empathy which can make way for simultaneous kindness. That instant feels miraculous whenever it is experienced by both givers and receivers because both are creating space for the reception of difference and self.

I am unable to look at the world from the eyes of someone else but I can listen to how the world looks to someone else without interrupting their gaze. This is the closest to the Thoreau “miracle” as I can get. I get to see life through the eyes of my client while listening to how differently each of them moves through their world – and gets through the pain in their world.

Attending to the perspective of others without mine interfering with their worldview is a skill I learned in my Counseling and Guidance program. I am grateful for this skill every day because it opened my eyes first and my heart followed.  William James wrote, “Each of us literally chooses, by his way of attending to things, what sort of universe he shall inhabit.”

Listen with the intention of allowing others to share freely and safely without impeding progress or directing the pace or style of their story and hearts open. The peaceful presence you both experience may only last an instant but more of those instances between more people will make a big difference.

One Thing To Do: Listen to someone this weekend without internally narrating the right or wrong of the story. Listen to learn about how that person navigates their world.

Dawna Daigneault

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.