Author Archives: Dawna Daigneault

Your Self-Worth Can Be Better by Monday

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Better By MondayWhen does self-worth begin?

Some may argue that because babies can hear their parents while in the womb that self-worth may begin before birth. I think that worth begins the first year of life as a relational message from caregivers to care receivers. Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph. D. wrote in her book, Insecure in Love, that “…children develop a way of bonding that seeps into their very being. This way of bonding becomes a working model that sets their expectations for how others will respond to them, as well as for how they feel about themselves.”

Babies are made to be care receivers in the first year of life.  They are often doted on by one or more family members through well intentioned bouncing, hugging, feeding, burping, changing and more.

Please consider that the first year of life is often the worst behavior year for most of us.  When you were a baby  (when you weren’t being sweet) you cried, vomited, peed, pooped, refused to sleep, woke everyone up, and slobbered on everything. If you were attended to and comforted regardless of how demanding your cries were – you were being told over and over – you are worth it. That was solid validation.

Despite the “bad behavior” issues (which no one will let you get away with as you mature) you were given as much comfort as your caregiver(s) knew how to give.  This first year set a precedent for trust (Psycho-Social Stages by Erik Erikson) and for self- worth. You didn’t have to pay for care and there were no requirements for to you follow to achieve care receiving status. No conditions for love were in place.

The conditions you may experience now couldn’t be placed on you then. You got to be true to yourself, in a primal sense, and you were still worth getting to know.

One Thing To Do: Remember your worth this weekend. You can’t remember your first year of life but you can remember what is feels like to be cared for – take that thought and fill up on it for two days.  Repeat to yourself, “I am worth taking care of.”

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S, LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC.

Better By Monday: Man of Steel

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Better By Monday“Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound … It’s Superman!”

The Man of Steel has been able to do super human activities and save people from danger but if he isn’t flying around in your part of the world you may be out of luck. He can bust through a wall but he is not a stress buster. The number one modern day crisis has become stress and we could really use his help before it becomes a major tragedy.

The superhero has been a no-show in the fight against stress but he may be helpful in a roundabout way. Let’s give him credit for the name of this solution because I like to call it, The Man of Still.

Cultivating stillness through meditation, yoga, reading, breathing or art is becoming a popular anti-stress practice. Many people are turning to stillness (something we already have inside) to reduce mental, emotional and physical illness.

A simple way to become the next Man (or Woman) of Still:
To Do: Let your thoughts happen without changing your emotion.
a. When you think – don’t sink (this is having purpose).
b. When you think – blink away the difficult (this is honesty).
c. When you think – wink at the funny or odd (this is humor).

Become slower than a snail in a traffic jam. More purposeful than a lioness on the prowl. Able to lean into your thinking without your emotion bounding in too…. It’s super (healing). Being still will help you heal a broken heart, a fragile mind and physical pain may retreat.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna J. Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little better by Monday.

Better By Monday: Holiday Stress Buster

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Better By MondayDuring the holiday season, triggers which negatively affect your emotional elevation abound. Higher expectations, deadlines and a harried pace contribute to the potential for us to be gone in sixty seconds or less to an unhappy place. Gone from fun family sing alongs with each other in the car, while looking at lights, to Rudolph the Red Faced Rage – Deer.

Jumping into a frustrated, disagreeable, anxious and/or deflated state may steal away the rest of an otherwise good day. To keep your good mood through the holiday season, keep these three statements handy.

How to be selective about what (or who) triggers your emotions:

  1. Ask yourself, “Do I have all the facts about what is happening?”
  2. Tell yourself, “If I wait, this may resolve itself.”
  3. Self-soothe, “I can handle this right now – the right way.”

The answer to number one is always, “No!” We never have ALL the facts. So, don’t give your power away to a moment that looks like a mess, sounds like a mess and will only become more messy if you jump in too. If there is truth you need to tell someone try to wait until a shared moment with that person can be had one-to-one.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can try, over the weekend, to feel a little better by Monday.

Better By Monday: Relational Avidity

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Better By MondayHow a couple, family or community communicates and works to overcome their shared challenges requires a collective commitment to mutual respect. Usually, through love and respect, a solid starting point exists for families to engage in the hard conversations. A respectful point, at which to start, is especially important when dealing with the most difficult issues. The bond of family gives members the strength to talk through tough issues together. Individual members of communities can create powerful bonds too – with the right glue.

Nature sometimes provides a handy reference point to help us understand truth about ourselves. The world of microbiology and the tiny proteins existing there can teach us a helpful principle about collaborative bonds.
Proteins are structures that are groups of other microbiological components (we won’t get into that here) held together by “bonds” – think of how the muscles and tendons combine to hold our skeleton in place. What is interesting about bonds in proteins is a particular property they exhibit that correlates quite well to how individuals and groups “take a stand” in collaborative problem solving.

In describing some properties of proteins, scientists use a term called avidity. It describes the combined strength of multiple protein bond interactions. Avidity is distinct from affinity, which is a term used to describe the strength of a single bond. By comparison, avidity is a truly special property that describes the fact that there is actually combined synergistic strength of bond affinities which are stronger than simply the sum of individual bonds.

Yes, you heard that right and it’s amazing. Avidity describes something that basically mimics what is required among people who visit my practice and are called upon to solve problems: working together makes for effective system wide change. In the seemingly off-topic world of proteins there is evidence that we are stronger together than apart.

In countless family and/or community situations we may start thinking that our way of seeing a problem is the only way and we might not listen to how someone else feels or what their perspective is. Proteins and how they are structured serve as a great reminder that there is MORE STRENGTH in our collective bonds than in the separate strength of each individual. When we reach out to hear and understand others we are not surrendering individual needs, we are creating a bond that transcends all of us and raises us all up to a better and healthier place.

It may be that collaborative problem solving is the starting point for community avidity because it promotes the desire for shared understanding, progress towards a common goal and mutual respect.

To Do: Listen to someone this week (in person or through media) and show respect for the differences between your points of view. Take note of how you were able to show respect for another person without losing your self-respect.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, ED.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can try, over the weekend, to feel a little better by Monday.

Better By Monday: Do you Lift or Lean?

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Better By MondayMonday isn’t always given the respect it deserves. Disagreeable mumbling by more than one not-ready-for-work sleeper is heard. The sunlight sneaking between the blinds into the bedroom window doesn’t bring the delight of a new day it brings the burden of another day to endure.

The sun doesn’t seem to warm the morning air with hope but lights it up with anticipatory anxiety. Problems are waiting for us. Stress of different shapes and sizes line the halls of the schools our children attend, the streets we drive down, the rows of offices in our buildings and we don’t have solutions.

Even if old problems are left in the past, new problems seem to always be just ahead. We don’t always benefit from thinking about getting ahead because sometimes we can only get through. A sea of daily stress with endless days of rowing can feel unrewarding and unmanageable. But are all the moments in a day made up of problems, pain, stress and frustration?

What if we could give each other a moment away from feeling our problems? I know you’ve heard of Random Acts of Kindness (which work well) but have you considered making those into small acts of compassion/ kindness you can do throughout the day? By looking for the opportunity to show compassion in small ways during the day you give yourself a break from feeling your own stress and co-create a stress relieving moment with others.

SACK someone’s stress by showing grace, interest, empathy and/or patience in a moment of need and you get a day filled with more meaningful moments. Look for the moments where you can show a little compassion. Monday through Friday will feel lighter because you are lifting instead of leaning away.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault Ed.S., LPC.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little better by Monday.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Better By Monday: Courage Holds the Hand of Fear

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In ancient times courage was one of four primary virtues, the others being wisdom, temperance and justice. Courage was seen as the most critical as it was thought the other virtues relied on the presence of courage before they could show up. In personal transformation work, such as counseling, courage is vital to progress. It’s not something found just in a moment of high anxiety or fear but is always there, awaiting access by any of us at any time.

“To summon our courage” is a wonderful phrase that gives away its true nature. It’s not always present, with us, but can be brought forward any time or in any situation. We DO, however, need to call for it and we DO need to pay attention to its voice.

Summoning courage has many recipes. For some it springs from commitment to something that has deep meaning. It energizes them to the point of actively (and easily, for them) demonstrating to others what they care about or what gives them purpose in their life. Without a depth of meaning you can engage some actions but they are more likely rooted in compliance, not commitment. And while there are thousands of charities or political causes with reliable supporters, not all of those people have a deep connection to their own true meaning and purpose which compels them to take time off from work to march in a demonstration or show resistance.

The other important aspect of courage worth thinking about is that it’s not at all a “me against you” concept. While dramatic literature and religion can often rely on narrative devices which emphasize courageous acts and conflict (man kills bad guy, saves girl etc. etc.) the more profound and powerful kind of courage is when we confront ourselves – who we are and what we might become – and question the whys and wherefores of life.

We can then undertake the fear-laden work of questioning the makeup of our character and embedded nature. It’s only when we summon the courage to take on our own certainties, beliefs, and long-held convictions that real change and new learning and personal growth can occur. When we stop thinking of win and lose for us in relation to others and dedicate ourselves to learning about what’s within that we can truly begin to change our wellbeing, sense of safety and self-worth, and how we engage with everyone every day – all for the better. And it’s well worth it, this tough internal work, because after this courageous journey comes contentment and compassion. And, not coincidentally, these are precursors to building the capacity for genuine love for yourself and then others.

Courage is not about being devoid of fear. Rather, it’s being aware of fear and still moving forward anyway. Contrary to popular misconceptions, it’s perfectly fine to reflect on your life and even make big decisions WHEN you are afraid, just not BECAUSE you are afraid. There’s a difference. The latter is blind reaction; the other is being fully present, focused, and committed. Best news of all is we all have the capacity to activate our own courage and let it lead us through life’s challenges – inside and outside.

Dawna Daigneault

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little better by Monday.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Better By Monday: Contemplation is a place of observation

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Better By MondayHopefully, where you are and where you want to be are the same place but if you’re like most of us, life has bumped and jolted you along to places you never completely planned or even desired, in good and in not so good ways. But even so, today is where you are right now. And any time you devote to contemplating your own path, diverging or just unclear, may help develop your capacity for thoughtful reflection. And this may help you move into your future undaunted by any uncertainties you face.

In therapy clients get to look down the pathway of the past, which can be beneficial as it can support purposeful decision making for the future. But just looking is the key; it’s a challenge to not go too deep or delve to long else we re-live all of our past traumas and pains far in excess of their value to us, crowding out the enjoyment of the present that is always with us.

So while looking back is helpful, in moderation and with great care, lifting our heads high and gazing on any possible future pathway is helpful too. Engaging in the uncertainties and various scenarios with purpose and forethought, makes a huge difference in how you can see yourself as a life traveler. A decisive, thoughtful, and meaningful mental trip into your future possibilities usually feels empowering regardless of any possible doubts you may hold inside.

Robert Frost’s poem, The Road Not Taken, is in many ways a current reflection of the past, but at the same time he extends an arch into the future:

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

Robert Frost’s poem evokes many things in me, not the least of which is the wonderful reverence I have for basic acts of contemplation and reflection which are both central to my own and my client’s capacity for healing awareness.

The therapeutic process allows them to sit and consider the past but we also understand it’s never a good idea to get swallowed up by it completely; a reflective visit is always best. There is also room made for the present moment, a place where many paths, past, present, and future, are open to immediate interpretation, pondering, and careful consideration.

Many things can cause us to go into those deep woods of thought. But the practical realities of the day call us back to ourselves, to the present, over and over again. We may have miles to go before we sleep but none of us knows how many or where the journey will end – so journey on.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little bit better by Monday.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Better By Monday: Imagine A Rescue

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Better By MondayHave you ever wondered if you would save the life of a stranger? I have made myself contemplate being able to save someone from drowning? I have questioned myself about if I would jump into a cold and deep river to try to pull someone to safety. If a person was drowning, even if I might also perish, I would help save a stranger’s life.

There is no question in my mind that I value a person’s right to survive and to live, and I would hold nothing back to help them as a fellow human being, deserving of all the same things I hoped for in my own life.

This exercise of imagining the human need to survive and my desire to help that need reconnected me with my humanity. I identified with a way to love a fellow human being trying to survive, like all of us, through the unlimited potential drowning we all face as we try to move safely through our daily lives, to survive, and also succeed and thrive. I found my path to empathy through imagining.

No one gets through life without pain. What causes one person pain looks different than what causes pain for others. Because we can’t ever truly see or know what causes pain for the other people we encounter – we are walking into dangerous unmarked territory. We can’t get to know everyone we encounter on a deeply personal level because we don’t have the time to listen to every survival story happening around us.

Awareness that others DO have a story, and that it’s as compelling and fraught with pain and travail as our own, works to create a sense of being on a common path. We find we can actually trust each other’s intentions, despite behavior that can sometimes trigger our own pain, and this leads us to pure and unassailable empathy. Nothing could do your life (and your blood pressure) better than to find yourself in the land of inner empathy and to stay there as long as possible.

Empathy isn’t only about walking a mile someone else’s shoes. It’s also a knowing and believing that life is painful for everyone in some way – your pain is not more important than your neighbors. Empathy promotes a sense of compassion that bridges your humanity and mine and with this we can feel more safe and hopeful every day.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little bit better by Monday.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling

Better By Monday: Love Like Rain

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Better By MondayThe difference between rain and love, the difference which really makes a difference, is that anyone can be a provider of consistent, caring and well-portioned amounts of love to those we love. We don’t have to wait for the right conditions to make love and kindness fall from the sky. We don’t have to pay to have it piped into the lives of people we believe should have it; we can rain love whenever we choose and to whomever we want. And if, in relationship, both partners come to learn of the wonderful release that letting go of control can bring, and the overall respect for the natural human connection that can result, it may provide for many loving seasons ahead.

There is a type of rain that is best for plants and many types that are less helpful. Crops can grow with limited rain but not well. Water can be piped in to make up the difference that a lack of precipitation causes but it costs the farmer a lot more than the natural resource. The opposite of low volume rain isn’t always a better option. The over-abundance of rain, over dry soil, is problematic because it can’t be absorbed by the roots and may even wash away protective soil from the plant. Hard, heavy, and high volume rains don’t offer much benefit to plants because so much of the water becomes run-off.

Make sure you avoid a love drought but remember that love run-off happens too. People in close relationships or in families who infrequently apply a heavy measure of love may find it is more than others can handle (or return). When love is measured out in heavy portions inconsistently it doesn’t feel welcoming or safe. When left alone the relationship soil is too dry and can’t receive the water when it becomes available – it floods or runs off without benefit to the person.

The best situation is when consistent and receivable rain soaks into the roots and throughout the soil. Love works that way too. Work too hard at it, all at once, and the benefit is lost for both the giver and receiver. Love needs a generous but not overzealous application to be most effective.

Think one new thought this weekend: How am I being loving to myself and others?

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little bit better by Monday.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Better By Monday: A Thousand Thoughts

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Better By Monday“Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.” -Nathaniel Emmons

The average human mind can think around  fifty thousand thoughts per day, give or take a thousand. Even though this mental phenomenon has been calculated, we still don’t know exactly how many thoughts a person has the capacity to think – it could be as high as one hundred thousand daily.

The question I find myself asking is, “How many times must a thought occur for us to act on it?” Nobody knows how often a thought must be thought before a thought becomes an action. We also don’t know how many times we must engage in an action before it becomes a habit. Some experts believe that a new habit can be made in about month.

I remember watching my children seriously contemplating taking that tricky first step. I remember the look on their pre-walking faces and I believed I saw definite mental processing occurring beneath the surface of each quizzical baby expression. Were they thinking about taking a step?

It would be interesting to know how many times a baby thinks about taking a step before acting on the thought. I wonder if it’s in the thousands by the time thirty days pass. I believe taking a step is a thought we all still have thousands of times, as adults, but we have all developed the habit of walking so we don’t have to think hard about the steps we take.

We do have to think harder and more often about any new habit we want to develop. I’m a skilled and talented walker, I can even weave a grapevine, but if I want to be a skilled runner – that would take more and different steps for me to learn.
We can use our thoughts productively to create the habits we want. We can step into a new way of behaving by starting with a new goal. One simple way to get moving towards a new goal is to make a Habit Box.

Make a Habit Box:
Type up or write down or cut out positive words or phrases which will help you think about the habit you plan to create. Separate the positive phrases and fold each one in half. Make thirty. Find a box and make it your own. Put your folded phrases into the habit box and take one out daily for positive reinforcement. This process will help you move a thought into an action.

“You cannot run away from a weakness. You must sometime fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now and where you stand?” -Robert Louis Stevenson.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Better By Monday is a blog about one thing you can do, over the weekend, to feel a little bit better by Monday.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.