Monthly Archives: October 2016

Negativity: Better By Monday

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“Thinking is the greatest torture in the world for most people.” -Voltaire

I have heard a client wish out loud for the ability to think only positive thoughts. That sounds like something good to wish for, but it isn’t. Being only positive is unhealthy. Negative thoughts can protect or defend us from something which is too good to be true. Some negative thoughts are an asset in difficult experiences, helping us understand the personal impact.

There are times when negative thoughts turn into a pattern of negativity. The shift may be unnoticeable to the person who is well practiced at beating himself up inside his head. Catching this pattern before it solidifies into a character trait may require feedback from others, self-education, and counseling. Many therapists are trained to help you recognize the distortions which keep you stuck in an unpleasant pattern.

Dr. David Burns provides a list of Cognitive Distortions, negative thinking patterns, which occur automatically but can be replaced by rational thoughts. “When you’re upset, your negative thoughts will chase each other around in your mind in endless circles. Once you get them down on paper, you develop a more objective perspective.”

The Cognitive Distortions Checklist from, The Feeling Good Handbook, is used as a way to assess which distortions are happening within your negative thoughts. You may have one distortion which you use most but you may also use a few different distortions at the same time. Any distortion you identify as part of your negative pattern can be stopped.

Cognitive Distortions Checklist:

1. All-or-nothing thinking: Absolute black and white categories.
2. Overgeneralization: A negative event is perceived as never-ending.
3. Mental Filter: Filter out the positives and dwell on the negatives.
4. Discounting the positives: Insist that positive outcomes or qualities “don’t count.”
5. Jumping to conclusions: (A) Mind reading using a negative filter.
(B) Misfortune-telling-predicting things will turn out badly.
6. Magnification or minimization: Blowing something out of proportion or shrinking it.
7. Emotional reasoning: Becoming the feeling. “I feel stupid, so I must be stupid.”
8. “Should statements”: Use “should,” “must,” “ought,” and “have to,” in a critical way.
9. Labeling: Personify your shortcomings. “I’m a loser.”
10. Personalization: Blame yourself totally when you are not the only one at fault. Blame others and overlook your contribution to the problem.

One Thing to Do: Write down some of the negative thinking you have used recently. Then using the checklist to identify which distortion underlies the thoughts you are having. The last step is to look at the distortion and replace it with rational thought.

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, ED.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Angry again? Better By Monday

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“Someone who is very angry also has a lot of energy; that energy is what’s so juicy about him or her.” -Pema Chodron

I am hearing from many of my clients lately about how frustrated they are feeling during this election season. The anger is overwhelming, at times, and seems to be causing an increase in negative thinking, including, how being angry is upsetting in itself.

Anger isn’t bad. I believe that anger is an important signal – that it means something has gone wrong, causing a feeling of disrespect to disempowerment.  I haven’t met anyone who likes to feel angry. However, I have talked to many “angry” people, over the years, and sometimes the anger feels better than the despair waiting just underneath the surface.

Pema Chodron offers a perspective on anger which is refreshing and reasonable. She helps us see that we are making a mistake (when we let a feeling take over) which keeps us stuck in, “our own particular style of ignorance, unkindness, and shut-downness…”

The mistakes which keep us stuck involve misunderstanding our anger. One way is to assess it as bad or ugly and to shame ourselves for feeling angry. Another way is using the energy it brings to overpower others. An additional way we stay stuck in anger is to ignore what caused it and try to escape the feeling, denying why it exists.

There is a way to honor the presence of your anger, respect why it has surfaced, and let it be a sign – not something to which you resign. “The idea isn’t to try to get rid of the anger, but to make friends with it, to see it clearly with precision and honesty, and also to see it with gentleness,” Pema gives us a way to process something we avoid.

It’s important that we don’t repress our anger. When it shows up we can respect it by being precise in looking at what caused it to arrive, be honest about our role in how it arrived, and be gentle with yourself as you experience one of your strongest emotions.

One Thing to Do: Learn how to assess anger with gentle-accuracy.

  1. Stop judging yourself as wrong or bad.
  2. Stop glorifying it as “right” or more right than someone else.
  3. Stop rationalizing that other people “deserve it” because they are stupid.
  4. Start seeing your anger as a protector of your story.
  5. Start identifying which part of your story is changing.
  6. Start listing the pros and cons of taking charge of the change.
  7. Start letting go of the anger and moving with the action you can take.
  8. Enjoy the wisdom of keeping anger useful rather than toxic.
Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

 

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.

Attune: Better By Monday

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“Truly listening and wanting to understand another is one of the highest forms of love.”
-Karen Salmansohn

Listening is more than a behavior – it is a gift. When we open our ears to what someone is saying, we are giving the gift of attention. When we show interest in the worldview of another person by listening for what they value, we give the gift of seeking to understand.

Listening to hear clearly, and seeking to understand better are signs of an interested listener. Gottman states, “Building love and trust involves really listening to our partners… periodically take your partner’s emotional temperature.”

You may not understand why the person you are listening to is thinking the way he/she thinks – you don’t have to. Seeking to understand is powerful enough. Being understanding is about who you are and what you are giving when you listen.

Being tuned-in when you are listening is important. It sends a silent message that the person you are investing in is worth it.

One Thing to Do: Learn (a variation of) steps taken from page two of The Gottman Institute brochure on “How to be a Great Listener.”

Attunement: Be present with your partner.

  • Ask questions. Really listen to the answers.
  • Follow up on the answers you get.
  • Ask open-ended questions. These open the heart.
  • Avoid judgment.
  • Avoid giving advice until you fully understand or it has been asked for.
  • Make exploratory statements to gain understanding, “Tell me the story of that.”
  • Have respect for the person and the process of sharing.
  • Have empathy and seek to understand.
  • Breath. This isn’t personal; it’s possible.

 

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Eds, LPC

Dawna Daigneault, Ed.S., LPC.

Zest of Life, LLC. Professional Counseling.